You don't seem gay
Instead of writing up Lavender Law, here's a choice synopsis of a certain TV show.
Quote taken from the Boy Meets Boy website.
Yeah, that's right. I'm writing a post about a TV show that's long over. This blog will never get pegged as topical. Fuck entertainment news. If you want musing about Lance Bass (though even that's old by entertainment news standards, right?), go read some other fag's blog.
Boy Meets Boy's premise relies on a misogynist and homophobic valuation of masculinity masquerading as a message of "we're all the same". It's also pretty cruel, but that's standard fare for reality shows.
Well, so are misogyny and homophobia.
Anyway, a friend and I were talking about our personal reactions to assessments of "straightness" and "gayness".*
*One initial criticism I have is that the binary nature of the assessment perpetuates the invisibility of bisexuals. But this little note is all I'm going to say about that, because I have something else I want to discuss. Any bisexuals feel free to chip in with your thoughts on this topic.
My friend, J, and I noticed that our personal reactions differed depending on the gender and straight/queerness of the assessor. I was far more likely to get annoyed at any straight person's pronouncement of their opinion of how "gay" or "straight" I seemed to them. This annoyance for me was the same whether the person thought I seemed gay or straight. "I couldn't even tell!" riles me as much as "Oh it's so obvious!".
J's reaction also depended on the straight/queerness, but he was more forgiving of straight women than straight men. He also claimed to be fine with being assessed as gay because, he said, he found it insulting to be thought of as straight.*
*I must admit I harbor some skepticism about this professed preference of his for being read as gay, given the privilege that attends being assessed as straight. As far as I can tell, J "passes" far more often than I do. Given that I pass on a somewhat regular basis, this means that J passes quite a lot, suggesting at least some attachment to the privilege of straightness.
J's theory about our shared lower tolerance of straight people's assessments of the gayness of our behavior was that they're not "family".
My theory is that I find these assessments annoying generally, and am just extra upset when straight people do it because it is a kind of flaunting of privilege. Which may just be a fancy schmancy way of saying they're not family.
Both J and I are gay asian men. We both also have legal education (me ongoing, him completed). This informs our attitudes I'm sure.
I've been reading a lot of readers and casebooks recently, so I'm going to leave you with two questions based on the reading:
1) Do you have different reactions to being told you act "gay" or "straight" based on the gender and/or queerness of the speaker? If so why do you think this might be the case?
2) Do you have different reactions to being told you act "gay" as opposed to being told you act "straight"?
In the premiere episode, viewers will meet James (the "leading man") a handsome, 32-year old administrator in the human resources department of a law firm. James and the fifteen potential mates will live in luxurious but separate accommodations. The suitors vie for his affections by participating in group activities and attending one-on-one dates, while James–with advise [sic] from his best friend Andra–eliminate men at the end of each episode. In the final episode, one lucky mate will be chosen for the opportunity to enjoy an exciting and adventure-packed New Zealand vacation with James, courtesy of Alyson Adventures.
THE TWIST! What the leading man and Andra don't know is that some of the "mates" are actually STRAIGHT men posing as gay men–an interesting twist allowing for numerous avenues of heated on-air discussions and debates that challenge socially preconceived notions of what is considered gay and straight behavior.
CAN YOU GUESS who is straight and who is gay?
Quote taken from the Boy Meets Boy website.
Yeah, that's right. I'm writing a post about a TV show that's long over. This blog will never get pegged as topical. Fuck entertainment news. If you want musing about Lance Bass (though even that's old by entertainment news standards, right?), go read some other fag's blog.
Boy Meets Boy's premise relies on a misogynist and homophobic valuation of masculinity masquerading as a message of "we're all the same". It's also pretty cruel, but that's standard fare for reality shows.
Well, so are misogyny and homophobia.
Anyway, a friend and I were talking about our personal reactions to assessments of "straightness" and "gayness".*
*One initial criticism I have is that the binary nature of the assessment perpetuates the invisibility of bisexuals. But this little note is all I'm going to say about that, because I have something else I want to discuss. Any bisexuals feel free to chip in with your thoughts on this topic.
My friend, J, and I noticed that our personal reactions differed depending on the gender and straight/queerness of the assessor. I was far more likely to get annoyed at any straight person's pronouncement of their opinion of how "gay" or "straight" I seemed to them. This annoyance for me was the same whether the person thought I seemed gay or straight. "I couldn't even tell!" riles me as much as "Oh it's so obvious!".
J's reaction also depended on the straight/queerness, but he was more forgiving of straight women than straight men. He also claimed to be fine with being assessed as gay because, he said, he found it insulting to be thought of as straight.*
*I must admit I harbor some skepticism about this professed preference of his for being read as gay, given the privilege that attends being assessed as straight. As far as I can tell, J "passes" far more often than I do. Given that I pass on a somewhat regular basis, this means that J passes quite a lot, suggesting at least some attachment to the privilege of straightness.
J's theory about our shared lower tolerance of straight people's assessments of the gayness of our behavior was that they're not "family".
My theory is that I find these assessments annoying generally, and am just extra upset when straight people do it because it is a kind of flaunting of privilege. Which may just be a fancy schmancy way of saying they're not family.
Both J and I are gay asian men. We both also have legal education (me ongoing, him completed). This informs our attitudes I'm sure.
I've been reading a lot of readers and casebooks recently, so I'm going to leave you with two questions based on the reading:
1) Do you have different reactions to being told you act "gay" or "straight" based on the gender and/or queerness of the speaker? If so why do you think this might be the case?
2) Do you have different reactions to being told you act "gay" as opposed to being told you act "straight"?
posted by manoverbored at
1:36 AM
5 Comments:
Interesting questions. I have to say that very few people have ever voiced their perceptions of my sexuality. Given that these perceptions rest on tired stereotypes perpetuated by other annoying pop culture artifacts which are, unfortunately, still ongoing (e.g. the loathsome "Queer Eye"), I don't much mind.
The times that I've encountered someone bold or reckless enough to make this kind of observation, I've usually enjoyed it, as it gives me the chance to mess with those steretypes. After all, if they go unvoiced, they also go unchallenged.
What annoys me far more is the obsession of many gay men with the "straight-acting" paradigm, where your worth is made contingent upon how "manly" you appear to be. This is undoubtedly inculcated in us by the larger culture, but really, oughtn't we outgrow it?
By
Erik, at 4:35 PM
I agree with your statement about non-queer people essentially flaunting their privilege when they comment about a queer person's observable queerness [or lack there of], largely because such an observation is usually based on two premises that are offensive both individually and in combination: being visibly straight/normative/hetero-normative is or should be more desirable than being visibly queer AND non-queer people's views on what constitutes "straight" or "gay" behavior are inherently less biased or culturally moderated than queer people's views on the same. Wow, that was a long sentence.
I'm not sure I agree, however, that one who is often read as straight must in some way desire to be read as straight, at least subconsciously. I've actually been thinking a lot about this. I'm profoundly uncomfortable with being read as straight (though not, ironically, as male)...but I can't seem to figure out how to consistently read as gay/queer while still being comfortable with my gender presentation. I think I would pretty much have to wear women's (or skin tight) clothing or have "faggot" tattooed on my forehead, neither of which I'm willing to do at this point...but I think people's perceptions of my sexuality are also heavily moderated by the assumption that gay men are or should be thin or, if stocky/heavy, should be overtly bearish. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has them.
By
Anonymous, at 11:12 PM
erik -
I too am annoyed (nay, more than that, I am dismayed, dishearted and discombobulated) by the ongoing love affair with straight-actingness in gay male sexual culture. Thus does hegemony find its way into our pants (and panties).
micah -
That first sentence was worthy of a French novelist or German philosopher. :) For me, visual presentation isn't the only presentation. I stop being read as straight by being out (a verbal presentation) in most contexts and regardless of expectations or perceived expectations. On the other hand, I don't think the burden of thinking about these issues should fall only on queers. Straight and non-trans people too need to do work in destabilizing gender and sexual orientation.
By
manoverbored, at 10:00 AM
to respond to the bisexual invisibility raised earlier. i find it really hard on some occassions, because there is an exclusion of bi-people on both sides (this seems to suggest that they are polar opposites, when in fact its more dominant culture over and above us). the dominant culture views us as subversive, and there is this label of promiscuity that i have coped from people who are solely involved in same-sex relationships. which i find sad and frustrating especially as it is a label that we are all being given by the dominant white hetero culture.
By
Anonymous, at 7:47 PM
also invisible here are trans ppl. which is to say that the gay/straight binary overlooks the fact that gender expression/sexual orientation don't exist in a one to one correspondence. i agree with your earlier post that suggested that homosexuality and bisexuality constitute a type of "gender identity," but i think that assuming that masculinity and femininity are expressions of sexual orientation negates the identities of genderqueer persons, as well as heterosexual persons with non normative gender performance (i.e. butch-het-women, femmy-het-men).
i have too many problems with the gender binary that exists to feel comfortable reinforcing with grand assessments of who's gay, who's straight, based on the their gender expression.
nevertheless, all that said, as a dyke, i have to stop short of disavowing gender-expression stereotyping because of the role it plays in gay communities. "Gaydar" functions by using stereotypes and assumptions about normative gender expression/presentation to make deductions that are ultimately essential to the formation of gay community-- particularly in countries where lgbt individuals live under the radar.
in order to displace the importance of the gender presentation/sex orientation binary in the lgbt community, we need to find another way of picking each other our of a crowd and organizing ourselves.. whether it's by wearing i'm a fag/i'm a dyke bracelets ( as pioneered by arlan at your daily lesbian moment) or forming online communities/listservs, etc.
well, that's my meager contribution to the discussion! however, my secret motives for writing you today are twofold..
a) i wanted to tell you that you are brilliant and your blog is one of the most engaging and entertaining i've encountered on the net, &
b) i wanted to ask you ever-so-kindly how you like going to school at berkeley :). i'll be starting law school in the fall of 07, and i'm trying to decide between schools in the san fran area and schools in the nyc/boston area. however, i'm out of the country until then so i can't make rounds to different campus. so, in lieu of a campus visit i'm looking to talk to law students about their perceptions/experiences :) i'd love to be in touch about this. if you visit my blog, travelogues, perhaps we can talk more..
cheers!
chinyere
mauritius's own bi-dyke in residence
By
east of madagascar, at 3:51 PM
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